I was skeptical about the Gottman Method at first.
Not because the research is bad—Dr. John Gottman has studied thousands of couples over 40+ years and can predict divorce with 90% accuracy. The research is solid.
I was skeptical because every relationship article on the internet name-drops Gottman like it's a magic password to credibility, but then offers generic advice that has nothing to do with his actual methods.
Then we actually read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and realized: oh, this is just... structured check-ins with really good questions.
We'd been trying to reinvent the wheel when someone had already done the research on what questions actually help couples stay connected.
The Problem: We Were Asking the Wrong Questions
Our early attempts at relationship check-ins involved questions like:
- "How are we doing?"
- "Is everything okay?"
- "Do you feel happy?"
These questions are too vague. "How are we doing?" can mean anything. Are we talking about conflict? Intimacy? Life logistics? The state of our emotional bank account?
Gottman's questions are specific. They target the actual components of healthy relationships: appreciation, understanding each other's inner world, managing conflict, creating shared meaning.
We started using his framework and immediately noticed: these questions surface things we'd been avoiding without realizing it.
What Makes Gottman Questions Different
The Gottman Method is built on the "Sound Relationship House"—basically, a framework of seven levels that healthy relationships maintain:
- Build love maps (know each other's inner world)
- Share fondness and admiration
- Turn toward instead of away
- Positive perspective
- Manage conflict
- Make life dreams come true
- Create shared meaning
His check-in questions are designed to maintain each of these levels. They're not random prompts—they're targeted diagnostics.
Here are the ones we actually use in our weekly check-ins.
Level 1: Love Maps Questions
Gottman says couples with detailed "love maps"—mental models of their partner's inner world—are better at handling stress and conflict.
These questions help you update that map regularly.
Questions We Use
"What's been on your mind this week that I might not know about?"
This catches the things you're processing internally but haven't said out loud yet. Small worries. Random thoughts. Things you're excited or anxious about.
"What's something new you learned about yourself this week?"
People change. Even in long-term relationships. This question forces you to notice your own evolution and share it.
"What's one stress I could help with, even just by listening?"
Not "how can I solve your problems" but "what do you need me to understand?"
"What's something you're looking forward to?"
Simple, but it gives you insight into what brings your partner joy right now.
How to use these: Pick 1-2 for your check-in. You're not interrogating—you're updating your understanding of who your partner is right now, not who they were six months ago.
Level 2: Fondness & Admiration Questions
Gottman's research shows that couples who regularly express appreciation have a buffer against contempt—one of the "Four Horsemen" that predict divorce.
These questions force you to actively notice what you admire.
Questions We Use
"What's something I did this week that made you feel appreciated?"
This tells you what's working. Do more of that.
"What's a quality of mine you're grateful for right now?"
Not "in general"—right now. Forces specificity.
"What's a small thing I do that you hope I never stop doing?"
The small things compound. This question surfaces them.
"When did you feel most proud of me this week?"
Catches moments of achievement or growth you might not have acknowledged.
How to use these: Always include at least one fondness/admiration question in your check-in. Gottman says the antidote to contempt is appreciation. Build the muscle.
Level 3: Turning Toward Questions
Gottman's concept of "bids for connection"—small moments where one partner reaches out and the other either turns toward, turns away, or turns against.
These questions help you notice when you're missing bids.
Questions We Use
"Was there a moment this week where you reached out and I didn't respond the way you needed?"
This catches missed bids before they build resentment.
"When did you need me this week and I showed up well?"
Positive reinforcement. You're noting what worked so you can repeat it.
"Is there something you've been wanting to share but haven't found the right moment?"
Creates the right moment.
"Was there a time you wanted connection and I wasn't available?"
This one's hard to ask but catches patterns of emotional unavailability.
How to use these: These are your "early warning system" questions. If you're consistently missing bids, you'll catch it here before it becomes a bigger issue.
Level 4: Conflict Management Questions
Gottman's research on conflict is nuanced: it's not about never fighting, it's about fighting productively and repairing quickly.
These questions help you process conflict after it happens.
Questions We Use
"In our last disagreement, what could I have done differently?"
Asked when you're not actively fighting. It's a debrief, not a blame session.
"Is there something from a previous argument that's still bothering you?"
Unresolved conflict lingers. This surfaces it.
"Did I make you feel heard in our last disagreement, even if we didn't agree?"
Being heard matters more than being agreed with.
"What's a recurring conflict we need to accept vs. try to solve?"
Gottman distinguishes between solvable and perpetual problems. Some things you just need to manage, not fix.
How to use these: Not every week. Only when you've had conflict. The key is processing it when you're both calm, not rehashing it in the heat of the moment.
Level 5: Shared Meaning Questions
Gottman's top level: do you have shared rituals, values, and goals?
These questions help you build that shared meaning intentionally.
Questions We Use
"What's one ritual we have that you really value?"
Surfaces what's working so you protect it.
"Is there a ritual or tradition you'd like to start?"
Creates space for new patterns.
"What does 'a good relationship' mean to you right now?"
Definitions change. Make sure yours are aligned.
"What's a value that's important to you that we haven't talked about recently?"
Ensures you're still on the same page about what matters.
How to use these: These are your "quarterly check-in" questions. Not weekly—but regularly enough that you're building shared meaning over time.
Our Modified Weekly Check-In Using Gottman Questions
Here's how we combine Gottman's framework with our weekly check-in format:
Part 1: Fondness & Admiration (5 min)
- Pick one appreciation question
- Each person answers
Part 2: Love Maps Update (5 min)
- Pick one "inner world" question
- Each person answers
Part 3: Turning Toward / Conflict Check (5 min)
- "Were there any missed bids or unresolved tension this week?"
- If yes, process briefly or schedule time to discuss
Part 4: Small Action (5 min)
- "What's one thing we want to try differently next week based on what came up?"
Total time: 20-25 minutes.
The Gottman Questions We Don't Use
"On a scale of 1-10, how satisfied are you with our relationship?"
Too vague. What are we measuring? Intimacy? Communication? Shared household labor? We prefer specific questions about specific areas.
"What are your dreams for our future?"
Important, but not a weekly check-in question. This belongs in a longer, dedicated conversation (like our seasonal planning dates).
Practical Takeaways: Start Here
If you want to try Gottman-based check-ins:
Week 1: Pick one Love Maps question and one Fondness & Admiration question.
Week 2: Add one Turning Toward question.
Week 3: Full format (above).
You're not trying to become Gottman experts. You're borrowing from proven research to have better conversations.
We're not therapists. We're just two people who realized that using questions designed by someone who's studied thousands of couples was smarter than making it up as we went.
Want a simpler format? Try our relationship check-in template or read about our weekly couples retrospective.