We tried winging our relationship check-ins for exactly three weeks before realizing we needed structure. Not because we're bad at feelings—because without a template, we'd sit there going "so... how are we?" and stare at each other awkwardly.
Here's the exact template we've used every Friday for six months. Copy it. Print it. Put it in your Notes app. Whatever works.
The 20-Minute Check-In Template
When: Same day/time every week (we do Friday 7:30 PM)
Where: Somewhere comfortable, not your dining table
Ground rules: No phones, 20-30 minutes max, roses before thorns
Part 1: Roses (5-7 minutes)
Prompt: "What are 2-3 things that made you feel connected, happy, or grateful this week?"
Person A:
- Rose 1: _________________________
- Rose 2: _________________________
- Rose 3: _________________________
Person B:
- Rose 1: _________________________
- Rose 2: _________________________
- Rose 3: _________________________
Tip: Be specific. "I felt loved" is vague. "I loved when you made coffee without me asking on Tuesday" tells your partner exactly what to keep doing.
Part 2: Thorns (5-10 minutes)
Prompt: "What's 1-2 things that made you feel disconnected or frustrated this week?"
Person A:
- Thorn 1: _________________________
- Thorn 2: _________________________
Person B:
- Thorn 1: _________________________
- Thorn 2: _________________________
Tip: Describe your experience, not your partner's behavior. "I felt invisible when you were on your phone at dinner" vs "You ignored me." Also: it's okay to have zero thorns some weeks.
Part 3: Bud (5-10 minutes)
Prompt: "What's ONE thing we want to try differently next week?"
Our bud for next week:
How we'll know it worked:
Tip: ONE thing. Not five. One experiment you both agree to. If it works, great. If not, adjust next week.
Quick Check-In Version (10 Minutes)
For weeks when you're both exhausted:
- One rose each: What was your high this week?
- One thorn (if any): What was your low?
- Quick action: What do we need more/less of next week?
Done. Ten minutes. Still better than skipping entirely.
Alternative Question Sets
If roses/thorns/buds stops feeling fresh, rotate in these:
Connection-Focused
- When did you feel closest to me this week?
- When did you feel most distant?
- What's one way I could help you feel more connected?
Appreciation-Focused
- What's something I did this week that made you feel loved?
- What's a quality of mine you're grateful for?
- What's something you want to make sure I keep doing?
Future-Focused
- What are you looking forward to next week?
- What do you need support with coming up?
- What's one thing we want to prioritize together?
How to Actually Use This Template
Option 1: Print It
Print this template and keep it in a dedicated notebook for your check-ins. Writing by hand forces you to slow down.
Option 2: Digital Doc
Create a shared Google Doc with this template. Copy-paste it each week. You can track patterns over time.
Option 3: Growing Us App
We built the Growing Us app specifically because we wanted prompts without having to remember the format. But you absolutely don't need it—this template works.
The Rules That Make It Work
Rule 1: Schedule it
Same day, same time, every week. No negotiating when.
Rule 2: Roses first, always
Even if you're frustrated. Start with what's working.
Rule 3: No phones
Twenty minutes of full attention beats an hour of distracted conversation.
Rule 4: The check-in isn't the fight
If something big comes up, acknowledge it and schedule separate time to address it properly.
Rule 5: Missing one week is fine, missing three is data
If you skip repeatedly, ask why. Are you avoiding something? Too busy? Is the format not working?
Practical Takeaways
Copy this template. Try it next Friday. See what happens.
We're not naturally "feelings people." But having a structured format meant we didn't have to figure out how to have the conversation—we just had to show up and answer the questions.
That's what a good template does. It removes the friction of starting.
Want more? Read our full guide to relationship check-ins or try our couples retrospective format if you want to borrow from sprint retros.